I made the mistake of watching Ant-Man and the Wasp a few weeks ago.
Which sucks, because, had I not watched it, that movie could still be whatever I’d imagined.
It could have, for example, been the awesome heist film I was imagining, heavily involving the Quantum Realm in an effort to rescue Janet Van Dyne. Not a full 2 hours with only 5 or so minutes spent there–no, it could’ve been a strange road trip into the void, reminiscent of a heist in the sense that the cast would have to manage a bunch of details, in both the normal world and Quantum Realm, to ensure their escape.
It could have also built on the narrative of the first film in interesting ways by advancing the cast’s relationships.
And it could’ve corrected the weird, casual racism of the first movie.
Watching Ant-Man and the Wasp, however, made it an inescapable truth that it was none of those things. It was, instead, a weird, boring mess that was massively disappointing even though I came in with low expectations.
At the end, I thought, “Man . . . I should’ve done a Writer Watching for this.”
And so, we have last Tuesday morning, when I was home, having thrown out my back, and thought, “Let me watch Solo, since my friends said it was good the other night.”
A minute . . . and thirty three seconds.
I got a minute and thirty three seconds in before I hit pause and said, “Yeah, I’ll do a Writer Watching on this shit for sure.”
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoy nerdy film crit, cause this one’s a heckin’ chonker. It’s A Writer Watching – Solo: A Star Wars Story:
- (1:33) The inciting moment. Han Solo hangs up his stupid, golden dice on the rear view . . . of the . . . speeder he stole?
. . .
Does he do this with every vehicle he steals? Ya know, to make it incredibly clear that, “Hey, that one idiot kid who loves these stupid dice stole this one”?
Sorry, but fan service that blatant and nonsensical infuriates me.
- (3:45) Alien Thugs: “Han! You got our money!?”
Han: “Uh . . .”
Alien Thugs: “Whatever! This is a shake down! Search him!”
They find nothing.
“Hmmm. Okay! Whatever! Let’s go see Lady Proxima!”
Logic: “You guys, uh . . . not gonna also shake down this other character who’s with Han?”
Alien Thugs: “Lady Proxima, here we come!”
Logic: “But, guys, like, that doesn’t make sense. That’s definitely not what–”
Alien Thugs: “IT’S PROXIM-A’CLOCK, BABY!”
- (5:54) Ah, yes. Finally. A good shot of Lady Proxima.
. . .
She looks terrible.
Like, the idea of a sentient, aquatic alien crime boss is awesome . . .
. . . but Proxima just looks terrible.
And don’t @ me with that bullshit, Rogue One excuse of, “She’s supposed to be boring! She’s only in the movie for 5 minutes!” cause, just fucking no. Bad character design is never justified in any story.
- (7:20) Wow. I actually have to say, this chase scene at least feels like a new scenario. I know we’ve seen people chase each other in speeders before, but this scene still feels unique. Like I’m actually watching a fun new Star Wars film.
- (9:15) I’m a writer who focuses a lot on realism. Yes, I write fantasy, but within my fantasy stories, characters have to make choices that are realistic. When watching any movie, there’s usually a part where I say, “I could never write that,” about something that happened on-screen, because it makes absolutely no sense in the context of the world, scene, or characters.
Han, with these dice, is a great example of something I could never, ever write.
Because he’s attached to them, right? He clearly has a thing for them.
Then why the fuck would he ever, in a million years, hang them up on a speeder he stole on a whim?
Especially when that act results in him having to brave blaster fire to take them back not even ten minutes later?
Realistically, the learned tendency would be to keep them in a pocket. Maybe to hang them up on his coat or something–not to proudly display them on a stolen vehicle that he abandons among his thieving peers moments later. Especially if doing so puts him in danger–even once.
The idea that a criminal would treat an important momento the way Han is treating these dice . . . just doesn’t make sense.
- (9:50) Am I the only person who’d like to see a Papers, Please-esque movie about the Empire’s strict immigration protocols?
Or even just a movie about normal people living in the empire, trying to survive its corruption?
- (10:39) When Han gives Qi’ra his lucky dice: I would give anything for Qi’ra to be like, “Ugh. Not your stupid fucking dice again.”
- (11:51) When Qi’ra is being dragged away at the travel checkpoint, and we see that she still has Han’s dice: I would give anything for Han to be like, “No! Don’t take my dice!”
- (12:16) “And for my next trick, I will pull a coat out of thin-fucking-air!”
To be fair, I’m sure they filmed a moment when you saw him take whatever clothes off of a cart or something, but whichever editor decided to leave that on the cutting room floor made a bad choice.
- (13:00) Wait . . . is the Imperial March actually playing on that in-universe propaganda?
It’s been the actual theme of the Empire this entire time?
Well, shit, now I understand why people keep joining the Empire.
- (14:00) Yeah, see, this whole stupid, terrible explanation for Han’s last name? You should’ve cut that instead.
That was just high school fan-fiction levels of bad.
If you ever have the opportunity to avoid a genuinely terrible explanation for something in your writing, stop to ask yourself, “Do I really need to explain this?” If the answer is “no” (i.e. “Han’s last name could just be ‘Solo’ for no special reason!”), then just don’t explain it.
- (14:31) Han’s Commanding Officer: “Solo! Get up! We’re almost there!”
Han: “Almost where? Where are we going?”
Why is he screaming this like he genuinely has no idea? I understand that he might not have been briefed, but if that’s the case, three years of training as a soldier in the Empire would mean that he wouldn’t be at all indignant about not knowing where his platoon is headed. Either he would know where they were going, or he would know better than to question it.
Instead, this moment is written like he just fell into this scene, experiencing the same cut the audience just saw. Because lol, what a funny, clueless rogue he is! That Han!
Definitely dampens the idea that he served in the Empire for three years. And, if there’s some canon rule stating that Imperial recruits spend 2 years and 10 months training, then having him serve for only 3 years was an enormous mistake.
- (16:48) Kinda weird how . . . Rebel-like all of these characters look.
Like, for whatever reason, we’re getting a bunch of maskless characters fighting on foot . . . instead of Storm Troopers in high tech walkers, ships, etc., so it doesn’t actually feel like we’re watching characters in the Imperial Army.
It’s disappointing, because I always thought it was really interesting that Han was in the Empire . . . But now it turns out that he was only in the Empire for three years and . . . wasn’t a Storm Trooper?
I guess there’s a time paradox to look out for: Han can’t have crazy detailed knowledge of how the Empire operates because he never displayed that knowledge in the original trilogy. But eh . . .
If only George Lucas were still in charge . . . He’d be able to add new, not at all glaring shots of a completely CGI Han saying things like, “Luke, at the Imperial Academy, we learned that the AT-AT’s armor is weak on it’s underside!” or whatever.
- (18:40) Wait . . . He got kicked out of the Imperial Academy for having a mind of his own?
. . . Then what the fuck is he doing in the Imperial Army?
I don’t think that’s how the Empire’s supposed to work. I’m not sure that’s how any military works.
“Well, he’s being super subversive, so we don’t want him flying ships . . . but eh, fuck it, give him a gun and put him on the front lines with our boys anyway.”
- (21:41) I . . . hate this Han / Chewbacca fight.
So . . . Han Solo . . . can speak Wookiee . . . and he knew that Chewbacca was a Wookiee when he came out of his mud hole to presumably eat Han . . . but, instead of immediately talking to this Wookiee . . . Han decided to . . . fight him?
I . . . hate this.
That entire fight was such a goddamn contrivance. No one in their right mind would ever decide to fight a giant monster before talking to it . . . if they knew it wasn’t just some brainless fucking monster.
It’s the equivalent of a character from Star Trek being thrown into a pit with a Klingon, knowing about the Klingon, but . . . deciding to let the Klingon nearly kill them for a few minutes before talking to them.
It’s just a classic case of plot twist fallacy.
Writer A: “And ‘the monster’ is Chewbacca!”
Writer B: “Genius! So Han and Chewie fight!?”
Writer A: “Yes! Cause, like, Han doesn’t know Chewbacca; he just sees him as a monster!”
Writer B: “OMG! So fun! How will he get out of the fight though?”
Writer A: “Uh . . . Oh! Han can speak Wookiee!”
Writer B: “Genius! No contradictions there! We can even have him call Chewbacca Kashyyykian, making it clear that he even knows the name of the planet Wookiees come from!”
- (23:28) So . . . This new alien they’re introducing . . . is basically a talking monkey?
Man . . . Yeah, the alien designs really do just suck in this movie.
. . .
Louis examines his star charts.
Squints at an equation. “(Normal Animal + Human Voice) Pilot / Space =”
He’s just a rip-off of Rocket Raccoon.
This stupid monkey alien dude is pop culture’s first Rocket Raccoon rip-off.
I would not be surprised if his early draft name was Missile Monkey.
He’s even a pilot like Rocket. For fuck’s sake.
- (23:48) Wait. Wait. So, this dude that Han tried to ingratiate himself with before . . . turns Han in . . . and Han runs back to him anyway?
That makes no–
Okay. Ya know what? I need a break. At this point in the post, I’m stepping away, because I’m actually getting frustrated.
- (24:10) Why the fuck does Missile Monkey keep pronouncing it as “WOO – ki”?
It’s like if a new character showed up and started pronouncing it “jahDYE.”
No. It’s “wook – ee.” It’s always been “wook -ee.”
- (25:48) Originally, I had a rant here about Chewbacca not saying his name, creating a weird language paradox where there was a Kashyyykian word for “Chewbacca,” and how stupid that was.
But then, I rewatched this moment . . . and Chewbacca literally says “Chewbacca” in Kashyykian. And it’s so well done that I genuinely didn’t realize it the first time.
And, just like . . .
. . . I understood Chewbacca.
You guys, seriously . . . I know this is really, really stupid and probably one of the most fanboy emotions I’ve ever felt . . .
But I’ve been listening to Chewbacca grunt for over 30 years without ever understanding what he said.
But this time, I did understand. . . and I actually have feelings about it.
Probably because there is no other experience I can compare it to.
This movie is a mess, yes, but there’s something simple and wonderful about this one moment, when I finally, briefly understood this character I’ve loved my whole life.
- (29:42) Woody Harrelson: “All you need to do is do what I say, when I say it . . .”
Logic: “Oh, cool. Han has demonstrated that he’s really good at taking orders.”
Also, what a lazy origin for Han’s blaster.
It’s another thing that didn’t need an origin, but especially not when the origin is “Some dude gave it to me–cause I needed a gun, I guess.”
Also . . . Could you, uh . . . give me the extra parts that make it a sweet sniper rifle, too?
Kinda feel like those would be super useful.
- (31:08) Woody Harrelson: “Or blow us all to Hell!”
Hell exists in the Star Wars universe?
- (31:21) I can’t wait for Missile Monkey to die. It literally can’t happen quickly enough. They tried so hard to pour so much charm into him that I can’t stand it.
- (31:45) Okay. I gotta say . . . These action scenes are consistently good. Easily the best part of this movie.
- (32:00) But this attempt at generating tension by showing Chewbacca in danger is funny.
Oh no! <gasp> Will Chewbacca die, and then not be in all of the future movies he’s already in? The suspense!
When you have a time paradox like this, you need to create tension in other ways. The audience knows Han and Chewie aren’t going to die, so you have to either create new characters who are likeable enough that the audience would care when you put them in danger (which this movie failed with, in my opinion), or, easier, you set up a villain the audience really hates, then create tension with the possibility that that villain will win. And, sure, they won’t, but, “Gah! It doesn’t fucking matter, ’cause, ugh, I just hate him/her so much!” This movie, at least to this point, has also failed in that respect unfortunately.
You could relate everything to Han’s mission, or showcase a pre-established bit of lore in an interesting, enthralling way, but this movie dropped the ball in those regards as well.
- (Sidebar) Okay . . . I took a day off, and something interesting happened.
I’d paused during the heist scene, so when I hit “Play” today, I jumped right into the action . . .
. . . and I just fucking loved it.
That heist was fun, and pretty much all of the scenes after it were fun. There was even a moment where Alden Ehrenreich had such natural banter with Chewie . . . that I actually felt like I was watching a movie about a young Han Solo.
At the moment, I’m enjoying this, which is great because I also have to cut down on the notes, or I’ll be writing this until April.
- (Sidebar 2) Also, I was ready to hate whatever villain this movie threw at me, but I actually like Dryden Vos. He’s a great mix of normal and terrifying. He feels, at once, like an authentic, believable crime lord while also being a dude with weird scars on his face that get red when he gets angry because . . . the blood rushes to them first?
- (51:04) Vos: “He is arrogant! And he is . . . hungry!”
This is one of those lines you squint at after you’ve typed it. “Does that sound weird?”
- (59:30) Okay. I also enjoyed the entire Sabacc game and every moment with Donald Glover’s Lando.
But . . . here’s where things take a massive, massive dive.
I’ve realized this weird tendency lately for issues of diversity to be pushed onto other races. Bright had orcs. Extinction (another meh Netflix original) had synths. Overwatch has omnics. And, while having these races and embroiling them in races issues isn’t a terrible thing, it leads to genuinely bad ideas and habits. For example, after I complained about Overwatch adding two new white characters last year instead of more ethnically diverse characters, some of my friends balked, “Yeah, and when are we going to get more representation for omnics!?” I remember blinking in that moment. I wanted to say, “Why the fuck does the race of robot people that doesn’t exist . . . need more representation that brown people like me?” There’s such a bizarre loss of priority there that my head is spinning.
And I suspect that, no matter how innocent the intentions, it’s the fault of shit like this stupid fucking robot-rights character.
Why the fuck is civil rights parodied in this movie? What is this fucking trend with trying to make racial tension a gag?
I absolutely hate it. Like the Latin lover and the Hispanic drug dealer in every goddamn movie, this “goofy social justice warrior” bullshit makes me absolutely livid in its irresponsibility.
- (1:01:57) This moment is so strange. We take a minute or so . . . for Lando to be upset that there’s a boot on his ship . . . Then Woody Harrelson says he’ll remove it, but reduce Lando’s cut . . . and Lando basically says, “Okay.”
. . . That is prime cutting material right there. A solid 40 seconds that did not need to be in this story.
[Edit: It’s weeks later, and I’m editing through one more time before posting this, and I have to say that, yeah, having finished the movie, there’s literally no payoff, whatsoever, for this scene. It’s a perfect example of a useless scene, and I will use it as such for the rest of my life.]
- (1:14:18) Here, Qi’ra becomes every strong-female-character-in-a-male-driven-movie ever by exhibiting that she is not only hot but also a karate master.
Seriously, they elected not to show her fight because either A) it was impossible to get anyone to move fluidly in that admittedly next-level-badass outfit she has on, or B) they did film it and realized it looked exactly like every other strong-female-character-in-a-male-driven-movie fight scene since the beginning of time.
Seriously, if you’re worried you missed anything, here’s what happened:
1. Qi’ra did a roundhouse kick.
2. Qi’ra did a cartwheel.
3. Qi’ra locked her legs around the alien’s head, leaned back, and threw him with her legs, striking a pose afterward. I have this reflex to link a YouTube video of the move I’m talking about, but you know exactly the move I mean, because you’ve seen it 40,000,000,000 times.
- (1:20:26) Man, Wookiees look terrible without hair on their faces.
Sure, I get that maybe this is some other race of Wookiee, or Chewie and his family have hair on their faces but not all Wookiees do.
Still, these clean-shaven Wookiees . . . really just look like sasquatches. And it sucks.
- (1:22:33) After Lando picks up L3, gets shot, and then get’s picked up by Chewie: I would give anything for Chewie to get shot in the leg so Han has to pick him up. But then Han gets shot in the shoulder so Qi’ra has to pick him up. Then Woody Harrelson picks her up, and so on, and so on, until we have a tower of Star Wars characters teetering toward the Millenium Falcon, with, like, Hoar at the very bottom, holding Baron Papanoida.
- (1:24:03) Okay, I’ll say it.
One of the things a lot of reviewers were really vocal about was their hatred for Lando’s romance with L3.
And now, having watched it . . .
. . . who cares?
It wasn’t remotely obstructive or gross. It wasn’t played for gags. Hell, it wasn’t even definitively shown!
Why were people so pissed about this?
Also, L3’s a droid, Lando. You can just repair her.
- (1:28:26) Man . . . They are just burning through all of the classic John Williams themes during this Kessel Run sequence.
Seriously, there are samples of songs from the entire original trilogy in this one scene, and, for a soundtrack nerd like me, it’s incredibly distracting.
And also a little shifty.
They’re trying to work that nostalgia way, way too hard.
- (1:38:53) Yeah, see, I would love a smaller Star Wars story that was just set in places like this weird, ocean-side, desert town.
- (1:41:00) I’d heard this reveal of the marauder boss was weird . . . and it so is.
The music swells like the reveal is going to be someone the audience knows. The staff made me think, “Wait, is this Darth Maul?”
No. It’s a woman. For some weird reason, there was some huge build-up for the badass marauder captain being a woman.
And, for a moment, I was seriously like, “Wait . . . Do I . . . know her? Is she a character from earlier in the movie . . . ?”
No. Star Wars was seriously just like, “Look, fellas! He was really a dame the whole time!” and I was like, “Whoa, whoa–wait–why the fuck is that surprising? This movie came out in 2018, dude. The badass being a woman just isn’t a plot twist anymore! Women are badass!”
It’s also just kind of weird that they went with the “still untouched” look for her. If I’d have designed this woman, she would’ve had the scar over one eye, grey hair. Maybe the eye with the scar would’ve been dead. I know those things are cliche, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with a skilled fighter also being beautiful (see Qi’ra). But if I’d designed this character, I would’ve made her thicker, older, scarred, maybe all of the above because A) she just would’ve looked more badass, B) she would’ve been the first battle-hardened, scarred soldier lady in the entire Star Wars universe, and C) I probably would’ve loved her immediately.
Don’t get me wrong–strength can absolutely coincide with perfectly permed hair.
But it doesn’t have to.
- (1:50:06) So, this reveal that . . . (fuck–I still don’t know his name) . . . Woody Harrelson is a traitor is very poorly composed. And it’s poorly composed in such a way that hints at different drafts crashing together at this point.
He very easily could’ve come out and been like, “Kid, I’m sorry. I can’t run forever. There would’ve been no escape. I begged you not to betray Dryden,” etc. And his very first line when entering the room (“I am . . . sorry, kid.”) makes it sound a lot like that’s what he’s going to say.
But then, he spouts the line, “You weren’t paying attention. I told you–don’t trust anybody,” which is a pretty cliche parlor scene line for a traitor . . . and which was also seeded earlier with a single line from Woody that didn’t fit at all with his previous actions (i.e. he’s working with two long-time partners at the beginning of the movie, one of whom he had an intimate relationship with, and then gets incredibly upset when they die–not the actions of someone who trusts no one).
I would not be at all surprised if an early draft made Woody Harrelson’s character too redeemable, so whatever happens to him by the end seemed cruel, so, on a later draft, they went back, added the single, incongruous line from Becket (I googled it) about not trusting anyone, and then modded some dialogue here to make him easier to dislike.
A little rough, yeah, but Star Wars has been using space nazis for over 40 years. The series just isn’t used to grey-area villains.
- (1:54:30) I probably shouldn’t . . . but I love Dryden’s weird, stupid, goth rave daggers.
- (1:55:04) Uh . . . guys?
This, uh . . .
This whole thing . . . with Qi’ra about to kill Han . . . and her mentor being like, “I know her well!” and her being like, “I’m now going to kill my enemy” or whatever . . .
. . . Yeah, that’s the same thing they did in the throne room scene in The Last Jedi.
Seriously, it is almost the exact same moment.
- (1:57:00) Huh. Dryden’s corpse is all grey now. So he was an alien of some kind then?
Also, seriously, Paul Bettany, baby, why does this keep happening to you? First in Infinity War, now here? Jeez. Greyscale Sean Bean over here.
- (1:58:00) Okay.
It is cool seeing Darth Maul again. Sure.
However, what I actually love about this is the idea that there are former Sith out there, in the galaxy, being evil.
If only this was what always happened with the Sith–canonically–the Star Wars universe would be way more interesting. Not like it isn’t already, but the idea of former (fallen?) Sith being left for dead–abandoned by their mentors–and so set loose on the galaxy, has so much potential.
At the very least, it has more potential than the actual Sith rules (only two–a master and apprentice, the apprentice eventually killing the master to take his place and find an apprentice of his own), which we have only seen play out a single time, in The Last Jedi, the movie 50% of humanity hated anyway. I’d prefer having Count Dooku and General Grievous still out there. Not that I loved either of them, but there’s potential intrigue to be had.
- (2:00:30) Oh yeah, Han shooting first would’ve just looked flat out evil if they didn’t make Becket look like a scummy, traitorous bastard, first.
And that–finally–is it.
I did not think this movie was two hours long, for some reason. I also didn’t think I’d have this much to write about it.
Overall, it’s a strange prequel story with some minor time paradox issues–still exciting if you let the moment and classic music sweep you up. Not the best movie I’ve ever seen, though.
From a writing standpoint, it’s a great case for opening in medias res; the exposition was mostly bad, giving a ton of set up that just didn’t need to happen–especially Han’s five seconds in the Empire. For a franchise like Star Wars, and a movie about young Han Solo, I’m sure they felt like they had to show every well-known bit of Han’s past, but this story would’ve been much tighter if it had just started with Han somehow falling in with Becket. Maybe Han could’ve been angrier and more sullen at the beginning, explaining his past with Qi’ra and Corellia to Becket and the others in their campfire scene, then changing when he met her again on Dryden’s ship.
Also, in the case of Becket and his “never trust anyone” line, it’s an interesting look at what quick, patchwork edits can do to a story. A reminder that if we ever decide to go back and make a minor change to a character’s tone, it’s always worth going back through the manuscript and making sure it fits.
And, finally, seriously, 1:01:57. If you have problems deciding what to cut out of stories–if you find you have a tendency to entertain every idea with no concern for their purpose–then jump to 1:01:57 in Solo: A Star Wars Story. This scene, which I’ve already dubbed “The Boot,” is the perfect example of a scene none of us should ever write.
Anyway, that’s it for me. If you read this far, thank you; I really appreciate it. Also, holy shit–you’re a trooper.
If you enjoyed this novel’s worth of film criticism, and you’d like to know when I post again, feel free to click the subscribe button on the left side of the screen. Or follow me on Twitter @LSantiagoAuthor.
Either way, take care, and write well.
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