Something’s not right.
This isn’t the post where I start talking about the walls making funny noises–I promise. I’m not completely insane yet.
But something’s fundamentally wrong.
My job hasn’t gone 13+ hours mode yet, but these days, when I get home, after eating and watching something–after taking a moment to relax and not work–I’m finding it impossible to write well.
And, instead of beating myself up about it–about not writing at all last night, for example–I’m going to figure out why.
It’s not the story. It’s not the drive. I like this story and I can absolutely get behind the themes it supports. It’s also a novel I’ve wanted to write for ages, so I’m not reluctant about actually writing it.
No… It’s something else, fundamentally wrong.
Last night, my writing session was only minutes long. I opened my MS, got to the beginning of the exchange between my protagonists, started reading, and, already in a haze at 10PM, I absolutely had no idea if what I’d written was good or bad. After telling myself during the day that I could rewrite the scene–and knowing how to go about it–I was finding that there was just something stopping me from remembering how.
And what that “something” was became pretty obvious as I tried to read the entire exchange, editing as I went… and suddenly snapping awake after what felt like 10 minutes of sleeping at my computer.
I’d rewritten one sentence, didn’t give it end punctuation and then rolled on to write half of the next sentence, which I’d started in the middle, without punctuation–without even the prepositional phrase I’d intended to start it with. During the middle of that broken sentence, I’d just fallen asleep.
I actually said to myself, “I… I actually just can’t do this.
“I can’t write like this.”
But… a week ago, I’d had the same schedule and I’d been fine. So, why couldn’t I write now, with the same schedule?
Because, a week ago, I hadn’t been the face of the seasonal event at my job. A week ago, I had solid chances to either sit down and write.
Or at least sit down.
Now, I have to stand up every day. I have to watch people walk around, full of the holiday spirit (which, in America, means that they’re 5,000,000 times more ready to argue with you, as backwards as that is). Now, my job is way more physical.
So, when I get home, I’m way more tired than I’ve ever been after work.
And, while being determined to write is always a good thing, actually writing while completely exhausted is probably a terrible idea. It’s why I couldn’t figure out how Modis got out of that cell a few days ago. And, without a shadow of a doubt, I know it’s why I’m not sure if the tones for Modis and Sydney’s first exchange are right. Possibly because I don’t remember half of it.
My schedule for the first half of NaNoWriMo 2016 just isn’t going to work for these next few weeks.
So, tonight, I figure out a new schedule. When I get home, I’m taking a nap. At worst, I’ll wake up at 4AM to write for an hour or two before work. Or at 12AM. Whatever–the point is, I’ll wake up with a clear head.
Which I need if I’m going to get any more real work done on this novel.
Words for the Day: 0
NaNoWriMo Total: 8,714